Is It Ok to Have Ex as a Friend?

I was introduced to a young man, Rob, and we shared a relationship for 3 years. We were happy together until I found out he’d been cheating. We broke up, but I made the mistake of taking him back numerous times throughout the 3 years. Eventually he left me for another woman. I was heartbroken, because I still loved him. The entire time Rob and I were dating, my friendship with another man, Damien, grew to us becoming best friends. Damien supported me throughout my hectic relationship with Rob, and was always there to help me. Damien had been badly hurt in a previous relationship, and has weight issues. He delayed telling me his feelings because I was a ‘pretty girl’ that was nice to him, which didn’t happen to him too often. Over the course of our friendship I began to have more-than-friend feelings for Damien, and I found out he felt the same.

I love Damien for the beautiful person he is inside, and not what he looks like. We have been together for a little over a year now. The time hasn’t been as perfect as what we thought it would be, but we love each other deeply and have managed to work most problems out.

This is where it gets difficult. Rob has been e-mailing me for about 6 months now, and I’ve been e-mailing him back. Since all three of us are avid role-players, I use my roleplaying name to sign my e-mails, but I use Damien’s roleplaying last name. Rob knows I am in another relationship but has offered to send me money to move out to be with him, but I have since denied the offer. Damien knows all of this.

My problem? Damien doesn’t understand why I continue to correspond with Rob. Rob & I promised we would still be friends if we broke up, so I don’t see a problem. I don’t feel the same way about Rob anymore, and I am deeply in love with Damien. Damien doesn’t see why I would talk to anyone that has caused me this much pain, but I am a firm believer of forgivness. Rob is coming back to the city for a visit, and has asked to talk to me privately. Plus, Rob wants to exchange phone numbers. I know Damien is going to flip over this. How do I convince Damien that Rob and I are just friends, and that I would never leave him, especially for someone that hurt me in the past?


Dear Draeca,

Rob is no friend of yours. Friends do not interject themselves in the relationships of others, and do not request private assignations with ex-lovers if they truly want to be just friends. And they certainly don’t invite their friends who are in a committed relationship to leavee that relationship and move in with them.

Rob cheated on you, by your own admission, numerous times, and hasn’t changed a bit.

Open your eyes, before you lose the one person who has stood by you through thick and thin. And before you cause him deep pain which he surely doesn’t deserve.

Damien is your true friend.

Not Rob.